It is a fascinating subject that I have struggled with for much of my life: how to be loyal to others while not losing sight of yourself. Loyalty and self-preservation: they have a complicated relationship with each other that I find difficult to navigate. More often than not, I have been put in situations where these two forces clashed. And repeatedly I chose loyalty to others over self-preservation for me.
Finding the balance between staying loyal to someone or something while taking care of yourself, not losing sight of your own well-being, is a challenge and can be very difficult. Loyalty is about making an emotional commitment to the other person. Self-preservation is about taking good care of yourself: physically, emotionally and mentally. But how do you make sure there is a healthy balance between having an eye for the other person and loving yourself?
As you can read in my personal story I have PTSD, which is rooted in my childhood and teenage years. And that I can say is the grootste testcase ever in terms of loyalty. Because loyalty to your loved ones, your parents and brother, is almost impossible to break. It is so difficult to break free from this and choose for yourself. I partly succeeded, after 30 years; by trial and error, because I still struggle with it.
Yes, over the years I have been able to distance myself more and do all sorts of things to detach myself from that loyalty, but I can tell you it is a darn difficult, complicated and slow process. I am still loyal to my loved ones. Less so than before, yes, but the fact that I write under a pseudonym does indicate the depth of that loyalty.
All the experiences made me a wiser and allowed me to take one step at a time. Sometimes two steps backward, but fortunately always one step forward. And so I find that there is a growing balance between loyalty and self-preservation. Some valuable lessons I have learned in my journey are:
Setting boundaries seems to be an important condition for having balance between loyalty and self-preservation. You don't have to choose; it's not either loyalty to another or putting your own needs completely first. It's about finding the right balance: the golden mean that makes you feel good. Where you feel that you pay attention to the other person, see the other person AND have an eye for yourself and feel that you are important. How do you do this? My experience: at least by setting boundaries. Something I still find quite a challenge at times. For example, because I am afraid of disappointing the other person. Or because I think the expectations of the other person are more important than my needs. Because of these kinds of beliefs, I then choose for the other person instead of myself. And that always falters, sooner or later.
In practice, setting boundaries turns out not to be so bad at all. In fact, I have found that people actually like it when you set boundaries. Because then clarity is created. And clarity is something people need. A no to the other is a yes to myself.
It is SO important to take good care of yourself: your body, mind and spirit. After all, you only get one ME in this life and it is important to take care of it.
This is not selfish, as people may sometimes say or experience. By prioritizing self-care, you are better able to be there for others without compromising your own well-being. When you feel good about yourself, happy with who you are and how you are in life, you radiate this to those around you. And your environment reaps the benefits. After all, if you are doing well, you are a happier person, you can handle more and you have more to give to others. It is just like the oxygen mask on an airplane - you have to put on your own oxygen mask before you help others.
This may sound a bit floaty to some: embracing your journey. Yet it is how I experience it. I think I have lived more than half of my life (for the time being I do not expect to live beyond 100 years) and I know that rowing with the current takes considerably less energy and is even more rewarding than throwing my ass against the mire. Is this easy? No. Will I always succeed? Certainly not! Sometimes I even feel the need to sputter and not immediately surrender to a situation or someone. Because that feels nice for a moment. I deliberately say momentarily, because it always breaks me down again, too, at a later time.
Overall, I find that moving along feels nicer. And more rewarding, like space and opportunities to develop personally, grow and (re)discover myself. So I embrace my journey through this life, with all its obstacles and hurdles, and so I learn new things about myself every day.
Being aware of the tension between loyalty and self-preservation has given me many insights: into myself, my environment, how I function, what I find important and what I can do to help myself. I am more able to listen to my intuition, dare to trust my instincts more often and make choices that are more in line with who I am. This process of self-discovery not only strengthens my personal growth; it has also led to deeper and closer relationships with those around me. For me, loyalty is increasingly a conscious choice rather than an obligation, and self-preservation a form of self-love rather than selfishness. And so the dance between loyalty and self-preservation gives me personal strength.
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