How does PTSD affect me?

P TSD; it is and remains something vague to those around me, I notice. I have been struggling for years with the effects of PTSD due to traumatic things that happened in my childhood and teenage years. The impact of PTSD is immense.
Although those close to me know that I have PTSD, I can't help feeling that they don't really understand what I have to deal with on a daily basis. And somewhere I can understand that, because my disability is not visible. If you see me, you would not immediately say that I suffer from anything. On the face of it, I am a well-groomed woman, in the prime of life, articulate and independent. What lies behind my face you don't see.

And it ís also difficult to imagine how another person experiences things; to estimate how his system works. Because you always compare it with how you yourself experience things, how you would react in the same situation; every person has his own frame of reference. And a unique way of processing things. So can I blame my environment? No. They have not been through the experiences and they are not me. Does this gnaw at me on a regular basis? Yes!

Sometimes I find it quite difficult: the idea that no one really understands what my experiences have been and what the daily impact is, for the rest of my life! The stress that I experience all the time and what that does to my mind and body.
Of course, I can express it. And people do listen, but that doesn't take away my feeling of loneliness. Often I feel alone; alone in my sadness, alone in my experiences, alone in my stress. Even I myself sometimes cannot even comprehend the daily influences I experience. So if I already have difficulty understanding, how can I expect another person to understand?

Therefore, I am making an attempt to provide more clarity on what impact PTSD has in my life. You can learn more about what PTSD is in this post lezen.

My diagnosis: complex, chronic PTSD

I have been diagnosed with complex, chronic PTSD, caused by having had long-term traumatic experiences in my childhood and teenage years. This means that I suffer from the symptoms long-term ( in my case for more than 25 years) and they are caused by an accumulation of traumatic experiences. You are more likely to develop complex PTSD if:

you suffered the trauma at a young age
the trauma took place over a long period of time
escape or rescue were not possible
You have experienced multiple traumas
you have been damaged by someone close to you.

What causes complex, chronic PTSD?

There are several traumatic events that can cause complex, chronic PTSD, such as:

child abuse or sexual abuse
neglect
domestic violence
witnessing (war) violence or abuse
being forced into prostitution

In my case, these included an authoritarian, alcohol-addicted father with narcissistic traits, a brother who mentally and physically abused me, and toxic family dynamics.

The physical effects of PTSD

As a result of complex, chronic PTSD, I permanently experience stress in my body, which manifests itself in many forms. For example, I sleep poorly and my body is always in pain. Permanent fatigue is part of my daily life. My intestines sputter more often than not and parts of my body (jaw, neck, shoulders and back) are chronically cramped. My hormone system is under pressure, which messes up just about every system in my body. In addition, I am dealing with all sorts of minor inconveniences such as chronically watery eyes and clogged sinuses, nails that are constantly breaking, teeth that wear down quickly (resulting in crowns, a bridge, bonded pieces of tooth) and wounds that are slow to heal. All signs that my body is struggling.

Mental strain due to PTSD

In addition to the physical inconvenience, there is also a great mental burden.

For example, I am very skittish. People often laugh when I startle disproportionately over something small. It may also look laughable. But for me it is hell. What I feel and experience inside then is difficult to describe. I get a tremendous contraction around my heart and it feels like I am falling off a skyscraper in free fall. I literally feel every hair on my body twitching.

I am also on alert 24/7. This means that I am constantly scanning my surroundings: anytime, anywhere! I see details and things that completely escape others. Everything I do just to be able to act quickly: to flee. But the crazy thing is that my body does not flee, when it actually matters. My body chooses Freeze mode: I stay still and undergo. No matter how hard I have worked to change this: my body and mind are unruly. Even now, after 25 years and countless rounds of help, I still can't trust myself to run away when something happens. I still find myself turning inside myself at stressful moments, retreating into my body and battening down the hatches.

Because my brain is active 24/7, I never have peace in my head. I am constantly analyzing. This is deadly exhausting. Because not only does it overload my brain, it also creates tremendous chaos in my head. In addition, it makes me easily irritable. And that I find it very difficult to concentrate. There are always at least 10 bouncing balls bouncing around in my head. There are so many stimuli: I start with A and soon end up with Z. And all day long.

Not to mention all the moments when I relive things from the past, my day nightmares as I call them; caused by people's reactions, images I see, situations I am in. In short, anything that reminds me of the past.

Highly sensitive and PTSD

In addition to having PTSD, I am highly sensitive. This means that I have a more than average sensitivity. My nervous system works differently than that of someone who is not highly sensitive; it is a more sensitive nervous system. My senses work more intensely and I register things differently. All the information that enters my brain through my senses is processed in a certain way, without a selection filter; every detail comes in, in an intense way. As a result, not only does a lot of information come in; the information is processed more accurately and comprehensively in my brain.

The traumas I have experienced would perhaps have had a less severe and shorter impact in someone else. But because I experience everything more intensely, unpleasant experiences also have a greater and deeper impact. Thus I have a double handicap, so to speak.

PTSD, my invisible attacker

I call the PTSD my invisible attacker. Nobody sees it, just me. And he is constantly there. He attacks me at the most unexpected moments and has an immense impact on my existence. My past has given me PTSD, for life. And that is unnerving, exhausting and, above all, lonely.

Are you also struggling with the effects of PTSD, and would you like to share your experiences, anonymously or not, with me? I invite you. Shared sorrow is half sorrow; and maybe it will make the loneliness a little less lonely. I look forward to receiving your response.

Share this post