What is friendship?

What is friendship and how has it affected me for almost my entire life? Lacking a basic confidence in myself, a solid foundation, works its way into all facets of my life, including friendships. For a very long time, friendship was a fraught subject for me. Because it bothered me that I had no or few girlfriends. Or because they never seemed to be in balance. Or because they passed away every time.

The past

In grade school, I had two girlfriends: we were a club of three, but actually I was always hanging out with them. They clearly had a closer relationship together; saw each other a lot and seemed to have a contact that was easy. It was difficult for me. I felt all kinds of things but didn't really know how to deal with it.

That continued in high school. In junior high, I joined a group of four girls who had known each other since before high school. And you feel that; when people have been with each other for a long time. There is a common past, shared experiences and memories, things the four of them could laugh and talk about. A bond had already been forged and I noticed that. Even then I was left out, hanging around like a fifth wheel.

Quest

So I continued in my search for girlfriends. And they came; but always one by one. I then had a girlfriend for a while. It was also equal my best friend; so happy was I that I had a girlfriend. Of course that doesn't work. If you claim someone and hang all over her, it's going to be suffocating. And the other person goes away. Now I can see that, back then it completely eluded me. I was walking with blinders on. And so one friendship after another ended: sometimes abruptly, sometimes slowly dying out.

For a long time I dabbled in the field of friendship. There have been many friendships, but never lasting in the past. They walked along my life path for a while and then went their separate ways.

Difficult I found that, because it always made me doubt myself. And if you've read other articles of mine, you know that was sensitive.
What's wrong with me that I can't maintain a friendship? Why don't I have any friends at all? Why don't I connect with people? The mill in my head was working overtime.

Soulmate

In the years that followed, since my twenties, I gained a soul mate. I met someone during my stay as an au pair in France; we met at the gym. That first contact grew into a friendship relationship that lasted 25 years.
She was one year older than my mother. And actually an older version of myself. There were so many similarities. That's why contact was so easy from day one. At least for most of those 25 years. I didn't see her often, because she lived abroad. But whenever I saw her or talked to her, it was as if I had seen her yesterday. No time seemed to have passed. The friendship took no energy, felt very nice and especially comfortable, like a pair of old slippers you have had for years.

Until it changed, several years ago. Slowly a distance came between us. More and more I noticed that I was the one who invested and that there was little in return. I was a good friend to her; she said so, over and over again. With me she could be herself, she could be honest. And she was, more and more often and more clearly. I noticed that I was put aside more often. Then there was something else that was more important to her. Slowly it became more one-way traffic. Until the day I decided to put a stop to it. I explained to her why the friendship was no longer working for me. It remained silent. Difficult I found that. How could she, after 25 years, have no response to my message? That made me doubt myself again. And the same old story repeated itself in my head.
Fortunately, though, it was shorter and the impact was less deep and intense. By now I was able to put things in perspective, to look at the situation a little more from a distance.

By reflecting and talking about it with my husband, the silent witness of our friendship, I know it is not with me. Sometimes you grow apart, for whatever reason. We shared our life path for a while and now our paths are parted again. I am not sad about it, but grateful that she has been in my life. We have shared many beautiful, precious moments and things together.

Friendships of all shapes and sizes

Over the years, I have experienced all kinds of friendships.

For example, there is the front door friendship: this is a friendship in which the other person does not show themselves fully. I only catch a glimpse of who he or she is: I cannot look behind the front door and have no idea what is really going on in the other person.

You have the street friendship: a friendship where we meet exclusively or mainly on the street. We chat and walk on again, each going our own way; until the next meeting.

I know the deep, close friendship. This is friendship that really warms my heart. It is a friendship in which we show each other who we are, are also allowed to show our lesser sides, have fun and share the sad moments. A deep bond of meaning.

Digital friendship takes place mainly through WhatsApp and phone contact. Also valuable, because you still keep abreast of each other's lives. A bit more volatile and less close, though.

The long-distance friendship is the friendship where we see each other from time to time. The moments we meet are often fun, relaxed and often with a deeper meaning.

And finally, for me, there is the home, garden and kitchen friendship: a friendship where you share things, occasionally go a little deeper and thus still have a nice bond together.

I have since learned to appreciate all types of friendships: every friendship brings something valuable.

Best friend

Best friend was a concept I could do nothing with until several years ago. In fact, I was disgusted with it, thought it was something so stupid. How could you possibly your best friend name? I hadn't felt that way even with my soul mate. It has long been an empty concept that I couldn't picture. What does someone mean when they say they have a best friend? What does that mean? What makes you call someone your best friend? What do you feel about that person? Since then, thankfully, that picture has changed.

These days I have someone in my life whom I call my best friend or rather my heart friend. And now I can give meaning to the term Best Friend. Never did I think I would experience that again in my life. To meet someone who fits me so well, is the same in many things and complements me further. I know now that a best friend is a feeling for me. It is the connection I have with her, the feeling I get when I think of her. Special, that's what it is to be able and allowed to call someone your best friend. Thank you C.

The grass is always greener next door

Often the grass was greener next door and it seemed like everyone around me had friends, lots of friends. With whom they did fun things and exchanged feelings and thoughts. By now, I think I have gained a more realistic view. Not everyone has friends, and the number of friendships a person has turns out to be quite small. Acquaintances, yes, there are many, but real friends: you can often count them on one hand.

These days I am enjoying myself

Meanwhile, I have slowly changed over the years. And the more I am myself, the better fit the people who come into my life. They fit who I am. These days I have friendships that fit me, people who like me for who I am and don't run away when I show a lesser side of myself. And they stay. Not all of them, but by now there is a solid core of people in my life who are dear to me. Who, at least for the moment, I am confident will stay. Then again, you never know: experience has also taught me that things can always happen again that cause a friendship to change or end. We shall see. In the meantime, I enjoy myself!

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